I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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