Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
