Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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