The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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