I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
