i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
