fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
