11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
