Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
