I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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