9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
