Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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