I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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