I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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