I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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