I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
