Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
