Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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