D3 body, D1 cock
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
