My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
