Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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