Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
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So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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