I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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