Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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