I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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