Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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