Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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