god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
