Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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