So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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