The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The struggles of a small town man whore
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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