Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
