I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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