FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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