he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
