Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
