Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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