Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
