Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
