I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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