Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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