When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
