Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
