My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
