he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
