and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
