just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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