seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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