My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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