So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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