I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
