sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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