Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
