You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bring me that man meat
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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