I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
