yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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