It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
