You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
