it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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