I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
