Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Tornado booty call.. dedication
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
