YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
