Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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