Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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