I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
