Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
