Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
