The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
